waves over lauren

The Reality of Jesus is Better than Hollywood

2010-04-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

I’m a movie person. Well, at least I was a movie person in high school. Back before my life got better than the movies. Now if you talk about the latest hit around me I will look at you with a blank stare. I have never heard of it.

I still like movies, I just don’t have time to watch them. But the reason I love movies so much is… you know… the drama… the passion… the suspense… the emotion… it makes me feel more alive than regular life.

But I am no longer living a regular life. I think that our love for drama is innate. I think we were created for a life of drama. But so that we are on the hero’s side, and even though there is suspense and moments of tragedy, we know who’s going to win in the end. Hollywood style. Always a happy ending. The kind of ending like in a sports movie where in the last scene the loser kid is getting carried on everyone’s shoulders for saving the game.

Life with Jesus is way better than any movie. And I’m talking badass movies like Bourne Identity. Yeah no contest. Life with Jesus is better.

This is how the story goes: Every once in a while in our walks with Jesus we will receive a grace to reach out for greater things, a hunger for more of God. The challenge was always there waiting on us. But we never had the revelation of the power of Jesus within us to meet the challenge, to take it on. But then we get this epiphany of who we are in Christ, Ephesians 1 style. And with our eyes fixed on the prize, Jesus our Lord, we are exceedingly strengthened to rise up and take what was always ours. As we move forward, our eyes never leave him. He is our source. He is our everything. We are lovesick for him. And so an epic journey begins.

But a journey without conflict is lame. So in order to increase his and our glory, God allows the enemy to think he can take us out and to pour out his wrath. There are moments when we realize in sincerity that he, the enemy, is ruthless. That he is deceptive. That he is persistent against us. We find ourselves in a raging battle. Not against other people. But against the invisible powers of darkness.

He strikes and we are wounded. We turn to God in desperation. We turn to him in weakness. We cry out to him to save us from despair. He responds with a quick work that is more immediate than we would have dared to think. He responds with a strong arm that is more powerful that we would have believed. All of a sudden we don’t feel that we are in battle anymore. We are not struggling or striving. We are just gazing into his face. And getting drunk on his love. And walking in peace that we cannot understand. And even feeling an irresistible joy. And in the back of our heads we know, that at the sound of our prayers, legions of angels have been sent out to fight on all sides. We are on the winning side. It is suddenly all so clear.

Our eyes don’t see the victory yet. In fact the circumstances seem to be getting worse. Based on what our eyes can see, we should be in complete despair. Anyone else would have given up hope by now. But we walk by faith, not by sight. We look ahead to things that we know are coming whether we seen them now or not. They will come. There is no question. And ultimately Jesus will return. Then the victory will be fully manifest.

There are certain moments when I think we are the craziest people in the whole world. Either that or God is truly at work within us. Like when a month-old believer looks the division and the darkness in the face and laughs. He knows who his God is. Or when at the moment of greatest attack, the confidence and joy within us as we pray is at a greater level than ever before. It’s not because we’re strong. We all admit our moments of intense weakness. It’s because Jesus has overcome. It’s because Jesus loves us, and love is stronger than death. It’s because the Spirit of Jesus that raised him from the dead lives inside of each of us. And we are amazed most of all at the miracles he performs and the mountains he moves on the inside of our souls. These are the strongest testaments to his resurrection. Stronger than all the physical miracles we have been seeing lately- legs are growing out, broken bones are being restored, mental ailments are no more. But the glory that is in these miracles does not compare to the glory of a soul once in anguish now in peace. It is inner resurrection at work. And when he returns our physical bodies will also follow and will rise up to be with the Lord forever.

Jesus will be glorified at that time. And if we have anything to do with it, he will be glorified before that time as well. He will be glorified in our generation. He will be glorified in America. The kingdom is already coming. Nothing can quench his increasing glory. Brothers and sisters, hold on tight, because something’s about to rumble!

Who Can Explain It?

2010-03-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

Watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30rWm84z-zg

On February 12, 2010, the president of Haiti, President Preval, called the nation to 3 days of fasting and prayer in place of the celebration of Marti Gras. Over a million people showed up in the main square. From 6am to 6pm they cried out to God to heal their nation and repented of their sins. The Prime Minister came but could not address the crowd; he could only weep for an hour. Then President Preval came and the pastors laid hands on him and prayed for him. Over 3000 people were saved, and 101 of those had been voodoo priests.

I can imagine someone who doesn’t know God watching this video and thinking, what is this? These people experience a devastating earthquake. They lose friends and family members. They lose houses, jobs, and possessions. The whole nation is in upheaval. Why are they worshiping God? Why are they praying to the God who allowed this to happen? Why are people coming to faith in Christ? Why are they not enraged at God?

I can imagine this person who doesn’t know God thinking maybe these people are acting out of fear. They are afraid God will do it again and send more natural disasters, so they are praying to avoid his wrath. They are praying to appease his anger. But if you watch the video, you know that cannot be. There is no fear in their faces. There is Love. Hope. Desperation. Reverence. Brokenness. But no fear.

I can imagine a theologian thinking these people are worshiping God because they know he is worthy to be worshiped. The heavens are his, the earth is his, he can do as he wishes, and no matter the circumstances, he is worthy to be praised. Maybe that is true in some cases. And it is certainly true about God that he is worthy. But I don’t that’s why the people worship…

The reason they worship him is because they love him. They cannot help but stay in his presence. They cannot help but raise their arms in praise. I bet their arms were about to fall off after three days in the air. But I doubt anyone noticed or cared. They have to praise him.

But why do they love him when such horrors have come upon their people?

When all your physical comforts are taken from you in a second, and you are left without shelter, without food, without hygiene; when all your emotional comforts are taken from you and you are left without family, without home; when all that you have left is your own physical body keeping your soul on this earth, and even that physical body is perhaps broken and hurting, what will you turn to? What will you do with the next second of time when there is nothing that can be done, to undo the horrors, to go back to how it was before? What can you do but worship God? What can you do but cry out to him? Where can your soul turn but straight to where it always belonged, in the hands of your loving Father? What can you think to do except what was always inherent within you, to lift your eyes to God, and rend your heart bare before his eyes? And when his presence meets you in that moment, when repentance breaks off the bondages of many years, when you hear his Spirit weep along with your groaning soul, yet adorn you with an unknown shelter, an unknown strength, an unknown love, what will you do but worship him more, and resolve in your heart to never leave this place? Where else can you go? And what else can you do? And why, now that you are in his arms, would you want to go somewhere else or do something else even if you had everything back? There is nothing better than him. It is clearer than ever before. They love him because they cannot help but love him.

And so these people that have been broken, that have lost everything, that have suffered much devastation, have only this now. That God is still their God. And that God loves them. And strangely, they find that that is more than enough. That is life itself.

Beneath the peaceful blue skies, one million people are soaked in the rain of the Holy Spirit. In the midst of the silence, two million arms lift the weight of God’s glory. At a loss for words, their hands wave praises to the only God. The seconds feel like hours worth of revelation. The hours feel like only seconds have gone by. By the time the sun sets, the legs are shaky, the arms are numb, the eyes are falling into sleep. But the spirit says not enough. I’m satisfied, and it’s not enough. More of the presence of God. More time doing nothing but gazing. Doing nothing but worshiping. Doing nothing but waiting on him to speak. I cannot leave this posture of worship. It is what I was made for. It is where I belong. It is at once ecstasy and rest. Like nothing else in the world.

So the onlookers will marvel. They will guess, they will theorize, but they will never understand. Until they taste the presence of God for themselves. And then they will look at this earthquake, they will look at this revival, and they will say, GLORY BE TO GOD! FOREVER AND EVER! And no explanation is needed.

Redefining Revival

2010-02-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

The other night I had to re-ask the question, what is revival? In some ways, we are experiencing revival here in Austin. God has stirred up extravagant prayer, and we are encountering God together on a daily basis. The spiritual atmosphere on campus has shifted. People are open to receiving prayer when before they just thought it was weird. People have faith to be healed when we tell them Jesus can heal them. And those for whom we never thought it would be possible are seeking to learn about Jesus and to learn about the Bible. Artists and hippies and new-agers and tree-huggers and homosexuals are wanting to know about Jesus and read the Bible. All the churches, all the ministries are suddenly purely hungry for God and willing to do whatever it takes to have him. We have seen on a daily basis brothers and sisters laying down their theologies and religious barriers and being willing to receive the Holy Spirit and everything that comes with him, just because they want more of God. People are hearing about our prayer time and bringing their friends to come and receive the fire, the baptism, the blessing, the spirit of intercession, the healing, the encounter with Jesus. A Muslim guy is coming to our prayer time. And it’s not just our prayer time where things are blowing up- almost everyone I talk to has a similar story about their ministry or gathering. The body of Christ is uniting, and we have stopped caring what ministry we are a part of or what doctrine we follow. We have seriously stopped thinking in those terms and when I do think about those things it just seems weird, because those walls are falling down.

Everyone smells revival in the air and everyone is expecting something big to happen. People are even trying to rent out the Texas stadium in anticipation.

Now let me say I don’t have any problem with expecting something big to happen, and it’s like a dream come true to rent out the stadium for a revival meeting. I’m all for it! I say come on Jesus! I think huge outpourings of the Holy Spirit are biblical- Acts 2, Acts 3 style!

But the other night when we were talking about the move of God and sharing stories, I felt uneasy in my spirit. I felt like something was horribly wrong. I felt we were not aligned with Jesus, but were falling astray into something else… something that wasn’t Jesus. I spoke up, and two others agreed they were feeling the same thing. We had to refocus our eyes on the Lord.

What was it that happened in that moment? We were doing good things- sharing testimonies about what God was doing, sharing truths about gifts of the Holy Spirit, laughing together, dreaming together, getting excited together. And these are good things. I love these things! But we were doing these things under the influence of a spirit of idolatry.

That was when the Holy Spirit began to speak to us about love. And he spoke strong. His word was sharper than a two-edged sword.

He spoke through 1 John. How can you claim that you love God if you do not love your brother and sister? Sarah shared that loving God and loving others are not two different things. They are the same thing. They are equally important to Jesus. If we think we love God but we are not loving our brother and sister, it’s not because we just lack that part of love- the loving others thing- it’s because we lack love period. Love for God and love for people are married. They are one. They are the vertical and horizontal expression of Love. Having only one of these and claiming to have love is like having only one of the wooden boards for a cross and claiming to have a cross. It’s not a cross anymore. It’s just a wooden board. The definition of a cross is two boards intersecting. The definition of love is our relationship with God intersecting with our relationship with others.

He spoke through Philippians 2. We are supposed to be one in Christ- having one mind and one love. We are to have the mind of Christ Jesus who humbled himself, going from King of the universe to death on a cross.

So we began to pray for love for one another. And we realized it all comes down to love. It’s all about love, and it’s always been all about love. God is love, and it’s all about God.

That’s when I realized that our definition of revival is seriously flawed. Revival is not an event. It’s a lifestyle. Revival is not one big dynamite blast. It’s the flame of the Holy Spirit spreading from person to person. Revival is not about power encounters. It’s about love.

We, or at least I, have been taught this idea that there is ordinary church life, and it is good and fun and Jesus is in it, but it is life with Jesus on the mediocre level. And then….. only once every century….whenever the people of God pray really really hard…GOD SENDS REVIVAL! Boom! Dynamite blast! Yesterday we were trudging along the dirt of the earth, but today we have been blasted into outer space! Yesterday we were fruitless, burnt out Christians hanging our heads in despair, but today we are superheroes riding the winds of God’s manifest presence! And the word spreads across the states, and everyone hears about it and buys last minute plane tickets to go experience it, and they broadcast it on God-TV. And for weeks, sometimes for months it continues on, and everyone is talking about it: Is it real revival or is it fake? Will it last or will it fade? And where will the revival comet crash next?

Then eventually, everyone who is coming to the meeting realizes that they are about lose their jobs and flunk out of school and are forced to start living everyday life again. Either that or the star, the revival celebrity gets corrupted by all the attention, and when he falls, the revival falls, because he is the face of the revival. And we always have some deep interpretation for what went wrong, and how we broke the code of the revival formula. And because we broke God’s revival code, he got mad and he took the revival away. Then we all study revival more diligently so that when it happens again we will go by the code and make it last.

Last night I was thinking about the way we view revival, and then I started thinking about the Chinese church, and I just started to cry. Our brothers and sisters in China, our precious family connected to us by his blood, are not holding grand revival meetings. Yet they are experiencing the greatest revival in all of history. When a Chinese sister decides to gather with believers, she must wait until dark, and then walk many miles in the pitch black so as not to be seen. When she gets to the location, she will find the family of Jesus huddled together in a house, weeping, weeping, weeping. Weeping because they are feeding each other the body and the blood of Jesus. Weeping because they are being freed from their burdens through the power of the Holy Spirit. Weeping as they pray for their nation to be saved. Weeping as they cling to Jesus with everything they have, their only answer in the face of brutal persecution. When they leave for home the next morning, the floor is slippery because of the tears. Nobody knows who started this revival. Nobody knows who the leaders are. Nobody knows where this revival is located because it hidden away, and yet it is everywhere at once. Nobody travels to specific meetings to study the revival and figure out how it happened. Because it is obvious to everyone how it happens. There is no question. They just follow Jesus and it happens.

Seeing this shames me and silences me. I lay down all my philosophies and strategies and formulas about revival, and I realize deep inside that we just need Jesus and we need to experience his love together. We need to pray for one another and minister to one another, not to show off our spiritual gifts, but to give freely to the body whatever gifts we have been given freely by Jesus. We need to serve and honor one another as if each one was that great revival celebrity. And I imagine that one day we will wash each other’s feet with our tears. Life in the power of the Holy Spirit is not showy or grand. It is humble and simple. It is the way we interact one to another on an every moment basis.

There is really no such thing as revival. There is simply normal Christianity and perverted Christianity. What we call revival is actually normal Christianity. It is the body of Christ being what it is. We don’t want to admit this because the blame no longer falls on God for whether or not he sends revival. The blame falls on the body. A revival lifestyle will follow those who walk the way that Jesus walked. And that is what we are all called to do (1 John 1).

This should actually come as a relief. All that pressure to make revival happen, all the pressure to preserve it when it comes, all the pressure is released. All the burdens leave. We have only to be faithful with what we are called and to be obedient to the Lord. If he blows up a meeting on campus, if he brings the whole campus together to worship in the stadium, and if healings are broadcasted on the screen, hallelujah! That freaking pumps me up! But what happens the next day?

We see it in Acts 2. On one day thousands get saved, but that is not the end of the story. The following days, they are meeting in the temple to pray and receive teaching and break bread and love each other. And they are meeting in their homes to do church. They are having all things in common. The word is spreading from house to house. And the harvest is still coming in as people are added to their number day by day. And then a few days later everything blows up again when the crippled man gets healed. But one day is no different from another. Each day is the day of salvation, each day is another part of God’s will being done on earth, each day is a chance to praise the Lord and be a living sacrifice in his hands. Each day is a day of love.

As I realized these things last night, I felt deep sorrow because I knew that this supernatural love was not flowing among us, and I knew that it was so rare the times I had experienced that extent of love in my heart for others, that pure, genuine love that feels like Jesus manifesting on the inside…that makes you just want to do something… to lay down your life and die for the person….or something.

As I looked into why that love is not there inside of me, I realized that it was being blocked by the idol of individualism. And he showed me that we have embraced a half-truth in the church. There is a movement in the church that teaches people who would normally never think of themselves as being powerful ministers of God to realize their identity in Christ and to walk in it. I honor this movement because it revolutionized my thinking and helped me go so much deeper with Jesus. I realized that I was no longer defined by my sin or called a sinner, but as a new creation in Christ I am defined as holy, beloved, and righteous. I am seated with Christ in heaven. I am called to reign with him there. I am royalty and I have authority to unlock and loose the kingdom of heaven, to heal the sick, to cast out demons, to raise the dead, and to trample over snakes and scorpions. I am called to do works greater than the works that Jesus did. I am his representative, his temple, his ambassador, his light, through which his presence will touch people. Through the power of the cross, every spiritual blessing and heavenly treasure is available to me and he will give me whatever I ask for. I should go after spiritual gifts, and I should go after greater intimacy with him. All these things are true and transformational in my life. But that night I realized that they are only one half of the truth. Because they are all about the individual. They are all about getting my breakthrough, receiving my gifts, becoming my own great person of God.

Christ offers us these promises, but he offers them collectively to the church, with the intent that we would seek them collectively, attain them collectively, and use them to build one another up. Yes I am a personally a priest and a queen, but that verse in 1 Peter 2:9 actually says we are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession. This whole identity in Christ thing was never meant to be individualistic. Together we find our identity, not separately. Together we are a picture, we are a manifestation, we are a revelation of Jesus. And yes it does say in 1 Corinthians 14:1 that we should eagerly desire spiritual gifts, but Paul is talking to the body. We are so focused on getting all of our spiritual gifts, that we have forgotten 1 Corinthians 12, where it says that together as the body we have all the spiritual gifts. After listing the spiritual gifts, verse 11 says, “All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.” It goes on to give a picture of the diversity of the body, the diversity of the gifts, and how they all come together for mutual building up. If one person had everything he would not need the other members of the body. But somehow we have come to think that nothing can get done for the kingdom unless there is some superstar who has everything. It is because we don’t know how to function as a body, so this is our only option.

From now on when I pray for revival, I don’t want to pray that God blasts a meeting (though I will pray for that as well of course); but to really pray for revival would be to pray that the body begins to be what it is, to function as it was made to, that God would redefine to us all what it means to follow Jesus, and that he would show us all what it means to live in harmony with one another. It all comes down to love. That is the most supernatural thing we will ever experience.

I'm Confused, But I'm Not Budging

2009-11-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

Where is your hand, God? I don’t understand.

I want to be different than what I have seen growing up. I want to believe the Bible. Not just with head knowledge- that doesn’t do any good. What’s the point of believing something if you don’t believe it for your own life? I will not just say, “Nothing is impossible for God,” without contending for the impossible. I won’t say, “God is love,” and not expect to be captivated by him. I won’t say, “I believe that Jesus rose from the dead,” and not expect to see the power of his resurrection. This is how we prove we have faith that our God is the God of Israel and God Almighty and he did everything that was recorded about him in the Bible, if we expect him to do it again in our lives. I haven’t seen the waters part yet. I haven’t seen the dead raised. But I don’t base my faith on personal experience. That would be dumb. I am just one person.

I think Zechariah had the same problem many of us do today. God has been silent for 400 years. 400 YEARS! I bet he and the other priests just assumed that God was done talking to people and doing extreme miracles. Yes, he believed the accounts that he read about angels of the Lord appearing to people, and Sarah having a baby in her old age. But it just didn’t happen anymore. He had never heard of it happening to anyone in his lifetime. If someone were to claim these things, they would be crazy! But then he went into the temple one day, and there appeared an angel of the Lord! The angel told him his wife would have a baby even in her old age. But Zechariah didn’t believe the word that was given to him. So my question is what is faith? Is it simply believing in your head that something happened? Belief becomes faith when it is acted upon.

I don’t want to let the devil remind me of past failures. “Remember that time you prayed for a sick person and nothing happened?” My faith should not be based on experience. I want to believe the Bible. Jesus said that it is pointless to hear his words if we don’t do them. It is like building your house on the sand. I want to do the words I read. I read a lot of words of Jesus that I don’t see happening in western Christianity. “When you give a feast, don’t invite the upper class, but invite the poor, the blind, and the lame.” When was the last time you saw someone do that? “When someone steals something from you, don’t demand it back, but give that person even more of what he took.” How great the influence would be if we actually did that!

And just like the hard-to-do commands, I want to act upon the hard-to-believe commands. “Keep asking and you will receive. Keep seeking and you will find. Keep knocking and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7. But Jesus I asked you for breakthrough, and I didn’t get it! “Keep asking and you will receive.” But Jesus I wanted to walk in love and I kept failing! “Keep seeking and you will find.” But Jesus I was trying to walk in the supernatural, and all I felt was really really natural. “Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” OK.

Or how about “Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do because I am going to the Father.” John 14:12. If this verse is true, then not only will we see paralyzed people get up and walk, food multiply, people walk on water, and dead people come back to life, but we will see greater things than these! Even greater than water turning into top-notch wine!

Apparently Jesus knew we would have a hard time believing these commands and putting them into practice. He told us “Ask and you will receive” like 500 times (ok that’s exaggerating), and added a bunch of “truly, truly” to the beginning. He must have known that 2000 years later, people would rise up and say, “It doesn’t mean what it says. It means we will receive only when we happen to ask according to God’s sovereign plan.” Yes! How exciting! I’m really motivated to pray now! NO! It means what it says, that’s why he said it so many times.

So here is my question. Why doesn’t my experience match up with this whenever I act in faith? I don’t understand. I went to visit a friend last week because she had a high ankle sprain and was in a lot of pain. The week before as I prayed, I heard the word “sprained leg.” That is so random- I have never heard of a sprained leg- so when I heard about how my friend sprained her ankle from heel to knee, I knew that this was God. I went to her dorm and shared about how Jesus loves her and wants to heal her. I prayed for her. I commanded the pain to leave in the name of Jesus. The pain didn’t leave. I don’t know why.

I’ve also witnessed a lot of tragedies the past year. When each of these crises would come up, I would spend much time on my knees interceding with groans and weeping, and much time interceding with others. The doomful prediction of the circumstances came about anyway. This is serious. This is not just, “Oh boo hoo I didn’t get my breakthrough.” This is people’s lives. This is people’s families. This is indescribable pain. Why Jesus?

Maybe I’ll know why some day. Either way, it doesn’t change how I’m going to live. If I cry out for the kingdom my whole life and never see it, I will not stop crying out for it until I’m dead. I prefer to live that way than to live without any hope. I will not just accept things. Even if I see 100 people die from cancer, the next time I see someone suffering from cancer, I will believe for a miracle. Even when I see the same strongholds pin down my family over and over again, I will cry out for transformation in my family over and over and over again! Can you imagine if Hannah had given up hope and stopped praying for a son? There would be no Samuel! Can you imagine if the Jerusalem church had just accepted that Peter was going to die in prison just like James? There would be no great jailbreak by the angel of the Lord! If I don’t seek the impossible, I’ll never know what could have been.

Even when I say to myself in frustration, “I am never going to step out in faith again,” as soon as I see the face of Jesus, I change my mind. Whenever I look on the glory of Jesus and worship him, I CANNOT HELP but believe he will do remarkable things!

So where is your hand, God? I’m not sure. But I’ll be ok as long as I can see your face.

Mary Magdalene

2009-11-02T17:22:00.000-08:00

I have undergone a very significant life change in the past week.

I am graduating this coming May. God willing.

I switched from the 5-yr architecture degree to the 4-yr architectural studies degree. The reason being I know I am not supposed to do architecture whenever I graduate. I have been feeling this for quite some time but it was very hard to go through with this decision. It does not make any sense in worldly logic. I just spent 3.5 years of my life working toward something- becoming an architect- and now I am giving it up. If you were Judas watching me make that decision, you would probably say, "What a waste of 4 years! Why didn't you go through with your plan and earn a lot of money to give to the poor?" But the poor I will always have. The more important thing is having Jesus.

I know that he wants me to travel for his kingdom. And find work on the side as I go. This is exciting to me- I will probably have a whole range of unusual jobs! Hopefully creative/design jobs.

Life is weird. I feel the weight of change. I am not living on campus anymore... doors have not been opening... I feel like I'm not doing anything... except hanging out with Jesus.

He said I'm in a "Mary Magdalene" season. Breaking my bottle of oil and pouring it over his feet and just adoring him. It feels amazing having something costly to give him. Jesus keep giving me costly things so that I can keep breaking them at your feet. I break my "archtiecture bottle," and it is not a waste.

For the most part I am just wanting to be with him. But every few days I get these random energy shoots all through my body that are shouting, "Share the good news! share the good news!" This is how I like it. I am not living to share the good news, I'm living to know him. But then again I can't help sharing the good news.

But I had this realization. He doesn't want my service. He doesn't want my ministry. He wants my heart. And he is doing everything he can to get all of my heart. Including discipline.... persecution.... he is revealing my depravity...like a laser cutting through a diamond, making it pure, refining with fire... he is revealing the depths of my heart... because he wants it all.

Let all the glory go to the Lord Jesus Christ. He is coming soon. I feel it. I feel his kingdom coming soon. This world is nothing. It is passing away. Seek the things that are above... where Christ is... seated at the right hand of God. Seek the kingdom of God because it will never fade away!

He showed up at SCPx Austin

2009-08-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

I must say Student CPx Austin far surpassed my expectations. I always hear people say, "If you're vision seems possible to accomplish, than you're not dreaming big enough." Real visions should be so extreme, so ridiculous, so unlikely, that only God could do it. What happened at CPx was so extreme, so ridiculous, and so unlikely, that looking back I know it was all God who did it. I'm like, God I couldn't even dream that up if I tried.

So this is how I measure fruit- not by how powerful the worship was, not by a number count of how many people came to Christ, nor by how many people came to the training.... real fruit = personal transformation. And that's exactly what we saw.

Short memories pass through my mind of moments that are hard to think about without crying. The tears that came from a simple prayer breaking off generational curses. The intense freedom and joy that released God's children into dancing as two students got baptized, not as a ceremony like the first time, but as a celebration. Guys, yes guys, weeping at the effects of the church coming together in genuine care, relationship, and fellowship; the profound contrast between being used in order to advance someone's ministry... and being loved... in order to be loved. I remember Jesus baptizing some students in ways that we couldn't... with the Holy Spirit and with fire. And the grateful response to being healed... by the One whose favorite activity is to heal every type of sickness and disease. Students leaving with new outlooks on life, with testimonies bound to be repeated, with a vision that chills the flesh, and a hunger that cannot be satisfied. Three teams forming, one that will shake and transform Joplin, Missouri, one that will fill TCU with God's glory, and one that will usher in the long-due revival at UT. And we will never forget that night of prayer when we lingered in the presence of Jesus together till our bodies demanded sleep. "His presence is life. His absence is death." We heard it from Brian, but we learned it from experience.

I can't handle the history. I just freak out. Two students named Joshua and Caleb begin to pray and preach, longing for a move of God they never saw with their eyes... but something was shifting the spiritual realm. Simultaneously Lee Myers begins to bring the kingdom of God to earth, walking in faith and healing the sick... before disease attacks back and takes his life. God marks the students. And then He calls forth fathers and mothers. They all begin to see the vision that was in His eyes... all at the same time... and by destiny they find each other and start the first Student CPx. One year later, there are three Student CPx's. And two of those who attended were the firstfruits of the first CPx. The story continues. The weave of divine appointments continues to tangle, and the tree that started as a tiny seed continues to grow, until soon all the birds of the air will find shelter there. Sam Lee said at the first CPx, "If we were to witness the glory of God's plan, we would die." Just a glance into a fragment of it, and I'm feeling sick. All I can say is, prepare the way of the Lord.

There is nobody who can do what our Jesus just did. I can hear Kirk Franklin calling..."Can I get a witness in the house?!"

Amazing Opportunity in Austin! Student CPx...

2009-06-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's happening in Austin.

Last year, I "accidentally" went to a missional experience in Lawrence, Kansas, put on by Campus Church Networks, called STUDENT CHURCH PLANTING EXPERIENCE. Student CPx.

It was an accident because I really intended to go to a different program called Antioch Forerunner Foundation, which was more geared toward the Asian nations than toward college campuses. I knew about Student CPx, but I didn't want to go because I had already been to all the simple church conferences, and had heard all the top speakers and read all the top books, and was honestly feeling like an expert on the topic. An expert in the theory part that is- I had never actually done this stuff. Well, they ended up combining the two programs, so two weeks of AFF was spent at Student CPx.

Turns out, Student CPx was a lot more than I imagined it would be. A lot less in terms of physical grandiosity, but a lot more in terms of spiritual riches. I expected a grand conference room in a big building. I found myself in a small lounge-size room, with blank walls and old mismatched furniture. This is where we met together. I expected 500 students. But by the end of the experience, I could call all 50 students my close friends. I expected to applaud and admire gifted speakers. I did not expect to hang out with them and partner with them in evangelism. I expected to work among cool, i-Pod cladded, status-quo American college students. I was suprised to be sent to a tiny college for Native Americans, working among the overlooked, the rejected, and the forgotten of this nation.

It wasn't broadcasted on God TV. It didn't break attendance records. And it was not known about or talked about in Christian circles. But I'm pretty sure the devil will never forget it.

We lived in a dorm building called Pocahantas Hall. I thought that was pretty cool, being a Disney princess fan and all, until I realized that every student we told acted shocked that we were staying there and let us know that it was haunted. A century earlier, 100 or so sick Native American children were sent to Pocahontas Hall as their hospital quarters, but they were not looked after properly, and many of them died there as a result. It's not a legend. It's a fact. Sure enough, many of us started getting dreams and weird encounters with what looked or sounded like children in the night. To add to that, we went down to the basment and found all sorts of monuments and idols for witchcraft and Satanism. We exposed of them all and prayed over the area.

So we started off with spiritual warfare. As a community coming together in agreeance, we repented on behalf of the children who were left to die in that very building, and we repented for our nation's wrongful treatment of Native Americans throughout history and currently. We cried out to God for mercy. We asked him to rebuild these people with the restoratational power found in the good news of Jesus.

Our prayers then led us to action. Every day we went out on campus and ate meals with students, played sports with them, and started to get to know them. We were not slow to bring up the gospel because we knew we only had two weeks with them. Whatever we learned from speakers and teachers in our meeting room, we would go out that very day and apply on campus.

I remember one day, we learned about finding the "person of peace," a principle found in Luke 10. The next morning I went out with some friends to pass out snacks and water bottles to students for finals week. This guy named Bear stopped to talk with us, and I knew that I needed to say something to see if he was hungry for God. I asked him about his name, and he said he wished he could live up to it by being more courageous. I told him I had a Scripture for him. I showed him 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind." He seemed really appreciative of this. So I asked if he would like to read more of the Bible together with me and my good friend Harold. We met with him that night and spent hours going through Bible passages and talking about the call of God on his life. The next day I met with him again, along with my friend Kelly. I was learning about the importance of going with a partner.

On the last day of CPx, we put on a dinner for the students, and Bear and some other students came. One of my precious friends Priscilla asked Bear if she could pray for him. Priscilla has a strong prophetic gifting and everything she prayed I knew to be true from my conversations with Bear, but she had only just met him. As she spoke into his family situations and even mentioned some of the Scriptures we had discussed the night before, he began to break down and cry. I realized the power of people with different giftings working together for one cause with the same love.

After dinner, we left to have a time of prayer and commissioning. Two students asked if they could come with us- Bear and Tabash. As we prayed over one another, the Spirit began to fall on us powerfully, and we prophecied over each other. The whole time, in the back of mind, I was wondering what Bear and Tabash were thinking. Were they freaked out? When we had finished up, Erik announced to us, "As we were praying, Jesus spoke to Tabash, and Tabash asked him to come into his heart! He wants to get baptized!" I was immediately reminded of 1 Corinthians 14:24-25 "But if all prophesy, and an unbeliever or outsider enters, he is convicted by all, he is called to account by all, the secrets of his heart are disclosed, and so, falling on his face, he will worship God and declare that God is really among you."

As we headed upstairs to baptize him in the community bathroom bathtub, Bear made the decision to follow Jesus and get baptized as well! We baptized them, saw them filled with the Holy Spirit, and prayed into their destinies as Native Americans walking in the love and power of the living God.

There was great rejoicing in heaven on that day, as those who were lost were found again and brought back to the open arms of God their Father. All these church planting theories were not just theories anymore. They were not just dry information. This was the living, breathing, reality of the kingdom of God arriving in the lives of college students with the transforming power of Jesus! It caused me to see church planting in a new way. It is not about the strategies or the visions or the methods. It's about encountering Jesus. And there is nothing like it.

This summer, Student CPx is coming to Austin, August 10th-20th. For more info go to http://campuschurch.net/empower/stucpx/austin/. Don't miss the chance to encounter Jesus and his kingdom together.

Christ Jesus made me his own.

2009-06-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

It was one of those all-too-frequent moments when I come to him to pray but cannot pray. I don't know what to say. So I force myself to say prayers that I know are good prayers. But I stop mid-prayer because it doesn't seem genuine. I feel like I'm talking to the wall.

Already frustrated with circumstances, now spiritual dryness adding to that frustration, I just ask him, "Jesus, how can I see you?" I see a picture of a cross in my mind's eye, and I'm looking up at it. Not a cliche, cute cross that you see people hang on their walls or wear around their necks. I look at the cross like the people who were there when it happened looked at it. I look at it the way the Israelites looked up at the snake on the stick that Moses held up in the wilderness. I am confused, desperated, and all-together captured by the mercy of God that I am beholding. I remember his words. "As Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life." John 3:14.

I whisper, "Jesus, you are my role model." The prayer is so fresh and new, so obvious and simple, so I know it comes from the Holy Spirit. Isn't it crazy that my role model is a bleeding man on a cross? That is not your average role model. Most people's heroes are gonna be someone most likely famous, someone who accomplished some great feat, or was really skilled at something, or who has nice looks, charm, and style. Someone like Nolan Ryan or Abraham Lincoln- and thats not to say that they are not worthy role models, because they are great people. But I found it so ironic in that moment, that my role model is a broken man dying, alone and forgotten, hated by everyone to the extent that they had him executed. Jesus, that is what I want to become. I don't dream of making a name for myself through.. well in my case it would be architecture... nor do I dream of simply becoming the most well-liked person of the community... or of getting my name in a history book. My dream: to know Jesus by becoming like him. Just like him. If that means scorn, if that means rejection, if that means death, I just smile at those things. All I see is me drawing nearer and nearer to my Jesus. If I could only just be like him... and it is a great hunger within me because I am not like him now. I have really only known him intimately for three years... so I am still young... and so far I am not the person who considers herself least or is thinking of other people. I am always thinking how can I get noticed? how can I get people to appreciate me? how can I make it to the top... so that people really know my name? Lauren Nanson. Lauren Nanson. Lauren Nanson. It consumes my thoughts.

But then I come back to the cross. I come back to Jesus. I look him, I look at how he was at the top to begin with- he was on his throne reigning over all creation! He had it all. And then he came to this earth, not to take over a government and become the next political figure, not to spread his fame for his talents in.. carpentry?... not to let those humans know who's boss. No. He came to become the least. Not to be served. But to serve. And he ended up becoming the base of all scorn and pity, like the scum of the earth, he died a long, painful death. It sounds repulsive. But to me it is beautiful. It's beautiful because I understand that he did it for me. I see his love and the incredible fruit that came out of it in my life and in millions of lives across the world. The fruit of new life.

It is so beautiful. And it is not what I am. Oh, Lord if I could only become what you are... if I could only become beautiful like that. To the world, beautiful is attractive. Beautiful is fashionable. Beautiful is charming. Beautiful is powerful. Beautiful is credit. A lot of times I seek after these things. But if only I could become beautiful like Jesus. If I could truly seek to become nothing, so that someone else could have everything worth having. That's what he did for me. He gave me everything worth having. He gave me a relationship with God. That's what I want to do for someone else.

I just want to know him. And it is not only in the suffering. I want to know him in the power of his resurrection as well. He is alive. That is a striking reality. A lot of times I think about past Jesus and future Jesus (Jesus on the cross and Jesus coming back in the clouds). I don't often think about present Jesus. He is. Right now. And at every moment. He is alive. He is sitting on his throne next to the Father. He is interceding for us. He is performing great signs and wonders all across the earth as people call on his name. He is granting salvation and sending the promise of the Holy Spirit to all who believe. I want to know him there, right where he is. If he's healing the sick, I want to heal the sick with him. If he's casting out a demon, I want to cast out a demon with him. If he's leading someone in a simple repentance, I want to help lead that person. And most of all, as he is being worshiped, I want to help worship him. To glory in all that he is. To bask in his light. To leap for joy! and to praise him like they're praising him in heaven.

And so I make it my goal to know him, just as Paul did. "That I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, BECAUSE CHRIST JESUS MADE ME HIS OWN." Philippians 3:10-12.

Join me in saying Jesus, thank you. Thank you for becoming nothing. So that I could become your own. I am your own. Right now and forever. Amen.

I finally watched Twilight.

2009-05-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

In the final scene of Twilight, Edward and Bella are dancing, and Bella asks Edward why he didn't allow her to become a vampire like him. Edward says something to the effect that he doesn't want her to give up her life, to lose everything, just for him. She replies that she is already done with this life, that it means nothing to her anymore, and only this matters now- "to be with you forever." In Bella's mind, it doesn't make sense to her to live a normal life if it means a life without love. If she is to give her up life up, it will be very painful, but she will have this different kind of life in its place- this immortal life with Edward her true love. To her there is no contest. It is worth the pain.

This reminded me of the call of Jesus. We have two paths in life. On one path we give ourselves to this life on earth and seek to preserve our lives to the best of our ability. We know that we will die, but while we are alive we try to make the most of everything we have because we know that it is temporary- so we fill our lives with all the good things- with friends, family, possessions, accomplishments, fun times, and pleasures. And then we die. On the other path, we give all that up. Not because we don't value it anymore, but because we have found something that far outweighs it all. We have found our true love, Jesus. Once we start to get to know him, it is so amazing, it is so out of this world, that suddenly everything else is not as important as it once was. As our walk with Christ goes on, we may come to the point of a decision that will cost us, the point of no return. We may find that in order to have Christ, we will have to give up things that are dear to us. It may even cost us our lives. Will we be willing when that time comes? Will we say, it is ok because I am already done with this life. It means nothing to me if only I can "be with you forever." If we die to one life, we will find ourselves in the grasps of an immortal love. It is worth the pain. There is not even a contest.

"If anyone seeks to save his life, he will lose it. But whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 16:25

The Word of our Testimony

2009-05-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've been meditating on Revelation 12:7-12

"Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back but he was defeated and there was no longer any place for them in heaven. And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil, and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world- he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of out brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death. Therefore, rejoice, o heavens and you who dwell in them! But woe to you, o earth and sea, for the devil has come down to you in great wrath, because he knows that his time is short!'"

I was asking the question, how is it that we will conquer the devil? What is the word of our testimony? The word testimony has developed a meaning within the church that I thought might be different from its actual meaning here. To us testimony means story. We give testimonies of how we came to Christ, of things that the Lord did through us- we tell stories about us and God. Somehow it wasn't clicking with me how this could defeat the devil. I went back and studied Genesis 2 and Ezekiel 28.

And here is my fresh interpretation:

A few months ago I read a Korean pastor's interpretation of the Fall in Genesis 2. It amazed me because I had never understood it from the viewpoint he gave. Whenever God asks Adam why he ate the fruit, he points to Eve. Whenever he asks Eve, she points to the serpent. And immediately God turns to the serpent and speaks his judgment over him. It's almost like God was asking for someone to accuse Satan.

Ezekiel 28 describes the corruption of Satan that causes him to be thrown out of heaven. vs 17-19: "Your heart was proud because of your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor. I cast you to the ground; I exposed you before kings, to feast their eyes on you. By the multitude of your iniquities, in the unrighteousness of your trade your profaned your sanctuaries; so I brought fire out from your midst; it consumed you, and I turned you to ashes on the earth in the sight of all who saw you. All who know you among the peoples are appalled at you; you have come to a dreadful end and shall be no more forever."

I was always taught that Satan was cast out of heaven a long time ago, but this passage speaks of the destruction of Satan at the time of his being cast out. It reminds me of Revelation 12. I wonder if Satan has not been cast out yet? If he is still before the throne of God accusing us day and night, he still lives in heaven right?

So that brings me back to the question what is it that will cast him out, that will overcome him and bring him to an end? It is two things working together: the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Satan was already conquered two thousand years ago. Ever since the Fall, he had the right to accuse people before the throne of God because people were truly guilty. They were rightly prosecuted. But then Jesus came in the form of a man and humbled himself and became obedient to death. When he died he suffered the payment for all the guilt and sin of the whole world, and his blood that poured out as he died is like a testimony to what was accomplished. It is the evidence that it is finished. That our guilt has been paid for. That is why the blood of the Lamb will conquer his accusations against us. And when we think of "the word of their testimony" we have to think court room. In the court room the blood of the Lamb serves as concrete evidence against Satan. The word of our testimony is eye-witness evidence. We are witnesses that the blood of the Lamb has cleansed us fully and our lives have been transformed by his grace.

We have to know who we are as children of God. I'm tired of hearing people say, "I struggle with this sin and that is just the way things are and that is how it is always going to be." It is like we are agreeing with Satan- we are our own accusers! I'm not saying we should not have humility before God because it is important to know we are sinners so that we can truly understand his grace and worship him for who he is. But I believe 2 Corinthians 5:17 when it says "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; the new has come!" There are way too many Christians who walk around all day in their old identity. We must claim the truths that God says about us, and that is not pride, that is standing in awe of what HE has done for us! When Satan tells me I cannot get close to God, I have to say, "Jesus finished it all on the cross, and the veil of the temple was torn! I have complete access to draw near to God!" When Satan tells me I will never do anything for the kingdom, I have to say, "Those who believe in the name of Jesus will do even greater works than he did on the earth! And I believe in Jesus!" We must declare, "I am a new creation and I will never be the same! I am not a slave to sin anymore because the truth has set me free!" When Satan tells me I will never be able to love people like I should, I have to say, "I am a child of God, and I bear the image of my Father, and my Father's name is Love!" Sometimes he even tells me I am condemned, and I have to proclaim, "When I was 7 years old, I encountered the living God and the light of Jesus has been with me ever since! Nothing has changed- he will never leave me! And no one is able take me out of his grasp!"

Again this is not pride. This is "they loved not their lives even unto death." When we rise up and declare who we are in the new life that God has prepared for us, it takes dying to our earthly lives.

And so we will overcome by the word of our testimony. We will declare that the blood of the Lamb has delivered us. We will plead the evidence that he cannot deny. And when he is thrown down, God's kingdom and salvation will come! Let it come, and let the saints endure, and let us love not our lives today.

Glory... from him

2009-04-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

So I am someone who struggles with desiring glory from people.

Like the people in John 12:42-43. “Nevertheless, many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it, so that they would not be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.”

You look at this and you are just shocked at these people… that they would not even confess Jesus because they didn’t want to be put out of the synagogue. Following Jesus would have been a lot more exciting and amazing than sticking around in the synagogue! It is like they are giving up their birthright for a bowl of soup.

But this is something I do. I go through my day thinking about how people perceive me… what they think… and how my actions can impress them… and how is it that I can get glory from them? I know this about myself, and I have been wrestling and praying against it because I know it is a major blocker to my relationship with Jesus. If I am finding my fulfillment in relationships with people than I will have no motivation to spend time with the Lord. Sometimes I get deceived and really think that having people think well of me is the best thing I can have. And I think that I feel good when it happens. I am believing in lies! I am going after something mediocre and temporary, when what I could have instead is extraordinary and lasting!

I realized this as I was reading in Revelation 3, Jesus’ words to the church of Laodicea. He tells them that they think they are doing really well and prospering, but they are deceived! Really they are poor and pathetic and even blind to their own condition. He counsels them to “buy” from him true riches- which are in knowing him, and ointment for their eyes so they can see- as in spiritually see. I think that he says “buy” because it means they have to give up something they already have in order to receive what he offers. They have to give up the false riches and the false welfare- which would be the worldly honor and prosperity- in order to find the true riches- which are simply knowing and loving Jesus with a pure heart. This convicted me because I realized that my heart was not pure. That I was seeking false glory and appreciation… and it was really making me empty inside- poor, pitiable, blind, and wretched. I got on my knees and I begged Jesus, “Give me the true riches! Give me the true riches! Anoint my eyes so I can see!” And I cried out like the blind man did to him, “Son of David have mercy on me! I want to see!” All I really wanted was to see Jesus again. I couldn’t even see him anymore because there was this veil that was tied around my eyes- a veil with a little screen on the inside showing me what the people were thinking about me- but completely blinding me from everything else that matters. And I would try to worship Jesus but I couldn’t even see who he was because I was so focused on myself.

I went on to read Jesus words: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone opens to me, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.” I opened the door. He came in. We ate together. And I saw him. I saw him again.

At the end he says that whoever conquers in this life will sit with him on his throne one day! At this I was reminded of the glory that he will give us very soon. I remembered another Scripture: “Whoever confesses my name before men, him I will confess before my Fathers and his angels, but whoever denies my name before men, him I will deny before my Father and his angels.” Matthew 10:32-33. And it hit me. The amount of glory that Jesus will one day give to me... not because I deserve it... but because of his overflow of blessings and love to us. Can you imagine? Before all the host of heaven, before all the saints, before his Father, he will proclaim our names! Lauren Nanson… she didn’t seek glory from people…. She loved me and everything she did was from a pure heart… she was faithful till the end. That’s what I want him to say. That is way better than any amount of recognition anyone on this earth could ever give me. WAY better. Lord, don’t let me hold onto something silly when instead I can have something so profoundly incredible.

haven't seen lasting fruit, but getting bolder

2009-02-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

• I’m walking to studio (of all places) and I see this guy across the street with a big cast on his leg and foot. He seems to be waiting for someone. I cross the street, go up to him, and introduce myself, and ask if he would like prayer for his leg. He tells me he hurt his ankle the night before playing intramural football. He seems very open to prayer, so we sit down, and I pray for him. I asked him to stand up and test it out. He says he can walk on his heel now, a lot better than he could before. He says the only way to truly test it would be to take the cast off, and he isn’t willing to do that. But he is very interested in the fact that I wanted to pray for him, so he asks how this happened. I get to share that I was just spending time with Jesus in my room, and love was blessing me so much, I wanted to bless someone else, so I prayed, “On the way to studio, give me someone to bless.” He is amazed by this story. So we keep talking, and I ask him about his faith. He says he thinks he’s going to heaven because he’s a pretty good person. I begin to tell my story. Right when I get to the climax of my story- right before I find Jesus- his friend pulls up, and he has to leave.
• I’m at a party talking with my architecture friend about abortion. We are standing right next to a beer keg, and this guy leans over to get more beer right as I say the word, “life.” He looks up and goes, “Are y’all talking about abortion?” I say yes, and he asks to join in. He finds out that I am pro-life, so he wants to hear my views and “debate” about it. He says, “But first what religion are you?” I say, “I don’t believe in religion. I’m a follower of Jesus.” He goes ok well go ahead. I am nervous right now because I’m an awful debater and I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I simply say, “At the moment of conception, a person has a DNA. If you have a DNA, you have a destiny. You can’t justify killing a destiny.” That had to come from the Holy Spirit because I had no idea what to say. He looks stunned and says, “I have no rebuttal. I have never thought of that before. Destiny.” Then I have to leave with my friends.
• I am at Chile’s with Erin and Celia. The waiter brings us the food and asks if we need anything else. I say, “Well, we were just about to pray and bless the food, so could we pray for you and bless anything in your life?” He says, “Yes, actually. We just found out that my dad has lung cancer.” We hold hands with him and pray for his dad right there. He is very appreciative.

2009-01-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

Jesus, send revival or I will die. You are moving so wonderfully across the face of the earth these days. When I hear stories of what you’re doing, I am astounded. In Latin America, the gospel spreads from house to house as swiftly as a wildfire. In Africa, your power is displayed as evil spirits are cast away and Light invades the darkness. In East Asia, the people cry out in prayer night and day with a rich oil that never stops burning. In the Middle East, the dreams and visions of the Son of God are too many to number. In India, you are known as Healer first, Savior second.

But across the seas, in a nook of wealth and security, the nation that rumbles with worldly influence and power is nothing but a spiritual graveyard, full of decaying bones. I was once under decay, but your Spirit breathed life on me. I looked about at the death around me, and I set out to do something about it. I preached the gospel, but it sprung to and fro like a bouncy ball, unable to rest in just one heart. I tried to speak to the people of God, but talking to a wall is always aimless. They were so unaware, so unapproachable, so blind to their condition. And they are those who claim to see. I not only failed; I was utterly defeated. The same disease that I sought to cure began to rot my insides. I became lazy and complacent, uncaring and selfish, accepting of the way things were, and unresponsive toward the God of my own heart.

By a feat of grace, I realized my condition. And I saw more clearly than ever that condition of us all. This time I would not seek to end it with my own efforts. Rather, I bowed on my knees to the Holy One, and I mourned over this people of unclean lips, to which I contribute my own unclean lips. I wept and sobbed. I cried and wailed. I could not pray words, so I prayed groans. The best words could do was, “Have mercy on us, oh God! Revive us again! Revive us again! Revive us or I cannot go on living here!” I remembered the great awakenings of the past, and I clung to the promises of the Almighty. I went on and on, and his presence of conviction and love grew stronger and stronger, until I did not care where I was, I forgot where I was. After many minutes, my cries were startled with a knock. I raised my cowering head to see my mother, confused and flustered at the door, wondering what was happening that made such a strange noise. With tears and snot gleaming on my face, with my hair ruffled from clenching, with my left arm uncontrollably trembling, I spoke through my clogged throat, “I’m repenting.” I almost expected that the presence that gripped me would throw her to the ground, but she looked at me without understanding. “For what?” My voice still soft, “For my sins and the sins of the church.” As I looked at her unashamed, the tears continued to fall from my eyes. She left me, and I returned to his fire. It burned me and molded me like an earthen vessel, refined into purity. I stayed in this state of wrestling with him, until his peace quieted me.

Like so I will pray, Jesus, until you send revival to this nation.

Firey Gaze

2008-11-18T23:28:00.001-08:00

The Lord looks at me with a gaze I cannot endure. His eyes are flames of fire, judging the world. They burn like a laser through the hardest of hearts, through rock and steel, and they judge the motives and intentions, and they search and know what is in man. They search and know what is in me. yet within this burning, within this unprecedented eruption of the insides, there is a love that is unlike any other. It does not taste like that lifeless love that the worlds speaks of and seeks for. It does not taste like the love that my own mind is able to possess as it functions in the flesh. It is a love that is as strong as death. Lord, your love is so intense… it is like that feeling I get when I hear that someone I know has died. It hits me hard. It opens my eyes to unseen realities. It is a strong unfamiliar sensation that seems unfit for this lifestyle. And that is what your love is like. That is how strong it is. It is so strong that you yourself succumbed to death, to a painful gruesome death, the snuffing out of your candle of life as a man walking in this world, and your place in this world was taken from you, and you were dead. For that is how strong your love was. And it was even stronger than death, for death could not handle your love’s intentions or its power as you rose up to become the bridegroom before us. And now you stand in great glory with you Father, the glory who have always possessed, you who always were, you who are holy, and with this unmatchable glory your eyes gaze at me with a love that says your are my bride and I will betroth you to myself in unquenchable jealousy. Out of my righteousness and justice I will betroth you to myself because I have paid for you and the enemy cannot have you anymore. In love and mercy I will betroth you to myself because you are a prostitute, but I have still chosen you. In faithfulness I will betroth you to myself and I will hold you in my hand always. And with these eyes of fire I will search and judge your heart, that you might be refined in the furnace of my love to become a holy and complete Bride, to be one with my glory for all time. And lord jesus, you are who I am devoted to. You are whose gaze I want to please. Let it be that your heart that loves me is pleased with me in all my ways. And your eyes are what I wait for, for I will be with you always. And I belong to you forever. We your church, we are your own, and we are not living in the present. We are not letting our minds stay in the here and now. We are fixing our eyes and rising up our spirits to our eternal future before you, and it is there that we exist and have our being, and it is from that place that we will walk this earth. For we live in our eternal state, and this is life. This is the life you have granted us and we take hold of it, in its availability before us as you call us to draw near to your throne. And we seek not an earthly house or dwelling, but we seek you heavenly kingdom the new Jerusalem that is coming down to earth. And we are out of place in this place, and our spirits long to burst out of our flesh, that is holding us back. Lord, I tremble. I tremble before your gaze. I tremble because it searches the deep things in me. I tremble because you are holy. And you word is a breath of power. And your might and glory cause me to fear, for their brilliance is unlike anything I am used to. And I cannot believe that this is my destiny, that this is where I will spend eternity. I cannot believe it for I am so opposite of this holy God, and so unfit for his presence. I am so unfit to be clothed in his glory, to stand in his counsel. But out of your grace you will give me strength to stand on that day that you come. And in your faithfulness you will change me in the blink of an eye to shine like you. And I love your eyes of fire that are changing me into your image and beholding you with unveiled face by the power of the spirit, I swallow this new level of glory and my soul eats of this bread and tastes that you are good. The fear of the lord is my delight. It is a fire that feeds my heart. It is a tension that excites me. and its is not a fear of condemnation for your peace and your spirit give me confidence that before you I am justified. You are magnificent. You are holy holy holy. All things are about you. And from you, for from you word all things exist and all time is being carried out. All worship is going up to you, for you are worthy. Worthy are you oh lord to receive honor and glory and power, for you created all things and by your will they exist and were created. Amen amen. And worthy are you oh lamb for your were slain to purchase us for the Father and we are honored to be called to this lofty position. We love you forever. We are slow in our understanding and growth, like tortoises, drifting way behind where they should be, yet you have chosen us to reign with you over the nations! You have chosen us as your sons and daughters! And you have given yourself for our sakes. You have poured yourself out into our sins. You have humbled yourself, man of glory, and you have exalted me, a woman of shame. You are so close to me, so near to me. I cannot describe how for you are so distant in many ways. Yet you are near and your presence gives me peace. And I hear you say, “peace be with you.” And “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Freestyle

2008-11-01T22:36:00.001-07:00

Jesus is the lord of all things,
And he comes to me in a presence like freedom’s wings,
And my soul clings,
Thats the word, my soul clings,
To him, because suddenly I’m no longer a victim
But I am justified in his sight
I am a perfect Bride by his might
Because he was crucified before the sight
Of and the hand of sinners
So that we could become more than winners
Through him who loved us
Who gave it all up for us
He loves us soooo much
And theres never been such
True expression of a heart of pure and steadfast love
This is not just something I’m speaking of
I have experienced it first hand
And its hard for even me to understand
And I often forget the love he has for me
And then it floats upon me suddenly
As I’m seeking his face
I find myself in a place
Of realizing I’m his beautiful daughter
And by his spirit I call him father
And I know I can’t be taken any farther
Up into the heavenlies
As I’m filled with overflowing joy and peace
And I know he meets all my needs
And I know his spirit and his word feeds
My soul with bread
And after I read it I am fully fed
I need nothing else
Now that I have felt
His presence of radiance
And let me say it is so intense
My flesh cant even take it
And I cant fake it
I have to raise up my hands to the sky
As my spirit starts to fly
Otherwise I would have to compromise
The expression of my love back to him
But I will let it roll in me on a whim
And I will let go of everything to worship him
So let my worship be like that of mary
Who was not afraid to be very
Passionate and emotional and
Unprecedented in her devotional
Expressions of unmeasured affections,
But wanted to pour out her best things
Striving for some way of expressing
His worth in her eyes
She didn’t go out there in disguise
But she let him recognize
The truth that was within her soul
And she expressed it full and whole
That she was thankful for his forgiveness
She was ready to confess
That he had stolen her heart away
By pointing her to the true way
And the greatness of his mercy and love
Was so grand was so gentle at the touch of his hand,
That it overwhelmed her, it claimed her,
It shaped her and framed her,
And how could she not show it
How could she not glow it?
Its like if a mother loses a child,
Will she hold back, will she be mild,
In her weeping for the sake of those her are keeping
Her in their sight, or will the crazy flight
Of emotions take her over
Like a strong potion that she can’t get over,
And in the same way the beautiful love of the lord
Strikes a heavy chord
Deep within the heart it touches,
So that the electricity rushes
And overwhelms you with joy and a
Beautiful filling of that horrible void
And so the woman cried at his feet,
She wiped with her hair,
And she didn’t even care
That this was not appropriate where
She was, because he was before her, Jesus,
And that was enough,
To make such a fuss,
That made the Pharisee all puffed up,
His heart like rust,
But she didn’t choose to do this, she must!
And jesus knew she was the genuine lover,
He saw beyond the cover, he saw beyond the cover,
Lord let me be another, let me be another,
Who loves you in the presence of dignified men
Of lofty authorities who think they have religious priorities,
Because it seems there are becoming more and more of these,
But I will not care what they think,
I’ll just love you with a passion,
And not holding back I will give praise to the one who fashioned
Me and there will be no lack
In my worship to your name
Because you are worthy of the fame
And to hold back would be lame
Let it never be oh lord who took my shame,
Oh lord who took my blame,
To you I will give all the glory I am able to give,
And every second I’m able I will live
For the sake of your name!

I so more than conquer

2008-10-31T00:20:00.000-07:00

I have a new understanding of Philippians 3:
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have mad it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

I have always loved this passage. I used to interpret it as losing and gaining simultaneously: the choice to lose the things of this world as much as that hurts, because it is better to gain Christ; and I agreed with this and loved the idea of it. But now, I realize that Paul was not talking about the tension between loss and gain. He was talking about gain, all gain, and nothing but gain. When he lost the things of the world, he wasn’t even losing anything because whether he had them or not, they were loss to him already. This is because the portion of Christ was so abundant that he didn’t even see the other things anymore.

I first began to contemplate the idea of suffering for Jesus when I read Brother Yun’s “The Heavenly Man.” It hit me that we as followers of Christ are called to a life of suffering. I began to meditate on the cost of following him, and I was definitely willing to bear it, but in a very melancholy way; like, “Oh Lord, I realize I might suffer this and this and this, but I am willing. I have been called to it.” And then I would act very somber. What I’m getting at is that suffering still impacted me with the depth of meaning of the word- to where I felt oppressed at the thought.

When I first went out to preach on campus, I was very afraid. I kept thinking to myself the whole time about what I was losing- my reputation, my glory, my respect and admiration, my comfort. And the act of preaching was like this huge step of faith, like a lunge into a mighty wind rushing against me, the pressure pushing back on me, and every word was strained under this weight of loss. But I think this was good. A part of me died that day once and for all. The chains that held me captive to people’s thoughts toward me were broken for good.

This second time I went out, I don’t remember ever being afraid, or worrying about the schemes of the enemy, or being concerned with what people would think. I just remember the three days beforehand when I spent hours in prayer and worship with the Lord, being overwhelmed in his glory and beauty, and overjoyed at the knowledge of him, and overburdened with the desire to speak about him. His word was like a fire shut up in my bones, as it was in Jeremiah, and I had to let it out soon. I remember being there for a few hours in the morning, worshiping him, and just yearning for the time to come when I was to share about him. “How are you, Lauren?” people would ask. “Ready to preach,” I would answer. I remember sharing on the mic and just loving it so much, not caring that nobody was listening, but loving the flame I felt in my heart, loving the inspiration from the Holy Spirit, loving the passionate truths flowing out of my mouth, loving my Jesus whom I was speaking of, loving the deep compassion I felt for people to know his love, and loving being vulnerable before a hostile audience. I don’t remember what I said, but it doesn’t matter because I know I was near to the Lord, and I know his flame was going forth through me.

Before I went out on Wednesday, I kept thinking with the mindset that Wednesday was the great climax, and I was going to seek hard after God for the sake of that day, and that after it was over, it was time to relax and enter into rest and stop striving so hard for the kingdom or for the knowledge of him. I knew this was a bad mindset. I knew that I was called to run the race with endurance from start to finish, but there was so much pressure on me, that the thought of maintaining that level of fighting for all my days to come until death was not attractive. I wanted it to be over on Wednesday. But now that it has happened, I am hungrier than ever! Lord, bring it on! More of you! More of the kingdom! The glory of losing myself and being a mouthpiece for the Lord Jesus was so phenomenal that I want nothing less than this all the way to the end. I am zealous for what lies ahead, for the next level of glory he will call me to, for the next command I will obey because I love him, for increasing the heat of his refining furnace, for being conformed into his image! Looking ahead, I still acknowledge that there will be suffering, but all I see is glory, glory, glory, gain, gain, gain, hallelujah! The word suffering has lost its stigma; it has no meaning, it has no sting, it is as thin as air. I can’t sense the strength of that word anymore because it is nothing. It’s not just that the gain of Jesus comes out to be greater on the measuring scale than the loss of this world; it’s more like the gain of Jesus swallows up any threats of loss and brings them to nothing. Death is swallowed up in victory! This is the greatest deal of the century: Jesus is SO WORTH IT! It’s like, “I don’t know whether this is worth the cost to you, but I will only give you this priceless treasure if you are willing to lose your disgusting crap.” Duh! Jesus, more of you all the way! Won’t you give me everything I can have in you on this earth, and nothing less! I don’t care if that means suffering on the other end, I don’t even see that, I just want it all! I want it all! Nothing less! Nothing less than all of you and all that you offer and all that you are able to make of me for your glory on this earth, won’t you make it of me! You promise to give good gifts to your children when they ask, and I ask to become like Jesus, to know him, to share his suffering, to attain his resurrection power, to make him more my own! Won’t you make me one of those disciples, the ones of the past who are with you now, won’t you make me one who loves you to the end, who runs and runs and runs until I run straight into your arms, not one who crawls in wearily, but give me grace to bolt in passionately! Nothing less, Lord, nothing less than all of you! I love you.

2008-10-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

The one and only

2008-10-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

He is a warrior. He does not kill to kill. He does not kill to plunder. He is much more driven than that. Like William Wallace of Braveheart, the force that is driving him outweighs any damage the line of enemies before him could threaten to inflict, so he is fearless, fighting for a lost love that burns in his soul like fuel, fighting for the life and the freedom of his brothers, something worth taking enemy lives for. People of the earth are not his enemies, but they are his brothers, the ones he is defending and fighting for ruthlessly. His enemies are the fallen angels who have stolen our freedom and made it their aim to destroy us, and who have challenged his kingship. Them he will not spare. He is the majestic king who leads his people into battle. He is the Gandolf, the white horsemen, who bursts into the battle from out of nowhere, the hero we have all been waiting for. His wrath and his power are unbearable for the opposition. When he moves in for the kill, it is awesome. I’ve seen the powers of the enemy fall back and surrender at the sound of his name. His lines of action are unpredictable and cunning, unseen before and awe-inspiring, effective, unmatchable through retaliation. Every battle is different, and so is every defeat. He is such a mighty warrior that he could take out the whole army fighting solo, but he does not choose to do so. He chooses to be a general, to command his forces, to win his victory through his brothers and sisters. We are weak as warriors. We do not understand what we’re coming against because the battle is in the spirit realm, and we are so confined by what our eyes can see, by what our hands can touch. We don’t know how to discern the situation or how to fight, nor do we have strength enough to defeat such powers. So we helplessly depend on our general. And we find that he gives us authority. He gives us power. He gives us love to drive us forward. He gives us confidence. And we trust him completely. We find that in his name we can drive out demons. We find the forces of evil fleeing from our worship. We find the damaged and afflicted peoples being restored. We find the war-torn lands ripe with new life. We find we can set the captives free and heal the brokenhearted. We become the hands and feet of our great commander. He is a warrior, and he is awesome. Who can stand against him? Who can hear his voice and not tremble? Who can approach his feet of bronze and not fear? He alone can and will wipe out the bad guys. The people of the world are watching from the stadium. They marvel at his moves- “Did you see that?” They roar at his victory. They clap and cheer and leap for enthusiasm. He is like a sports hero. He is like a war hero. When he wins, we have all won because he wins for us. He is Jesus, the one and only.

He is a lover. His love is unlike any that this world portrays and idealizes. It is not a love that stems from selfish enjoyment, nor from irrational passion, nor from personal preferences. It is not a reactionary love. It is not a short-lived love. It is not a conditional love. This love is unprecedented, unheard of, unbelievable. It is not bound by our performance. It is unconditional, unearned, and nothing can separate us from it. It is not just the quality of love that makes it amazing, but also the object of his love. He turns his eyes upon those who hate him most. He observes those who have used the breath he gave them to curse him. He sees their behavior. He hears their thoughts. He knows what is in the depth of their hearts. He sees that they do not desire to be near him. They don’t like him because he is not compatible with their interests. He sees all these things, and he loves them. He knows that they are unaware of their actions, ignorant of their failures, cruelly deceived by the dictator that they unconsciously follow. He has compassion. He makes up his mind to win them back to himself. And he will do whatever it takes. Because he knows what they need, and he is the only one who can give it to them. They do not love him or show interest in him, but he is the one who takes the initiative and makes the first move. He devises a genius plan to save them from their captivity of which they are unaware. Like the child soldiers in Africa, they are committing the worst of crimes, but they have been deceived from a young age and are trained in the ways of their prince of the air, fated to become like him and train their own young soldiers. They do not know what they are doing. Their lives are horrible, but they know no other way. The cycle must be stopped, and the victims of this criminal lifestyle must be set free. Yet how does one account for their crimes? The miseries they have caused people cannot go unpunished, for the afflicted demand their due vengeance. So he does the only thing he can to settle both accounts, to uphold justice, yet to free these child soldiers. He offers his own body to vindicate their murders and to receive their sentence. With their crimes accounted to his name, he is found guilty and sentenced to the death penalty. So he dies for them to pay the penalty. But still he has not stopped the cycle. To end the routine of death, he must defeat it. He raises from the dead with great power. And now that victory is his, he can free these young ones from their dark fates and offer them life. Better still, he offers them the responsibility to give life rather than take it. Some of them don’t understand their situation and stubbornly refuse to leave their lifestyles. There is nothing more he can do for them. But for those who realize that he has made a way to free them and to pay all their debts, for those who see the value of what he gives, they abandon their old lives and follow him into new things that he has prepared for them. He loves these as his own sons and daughters, with a burning passion that will never fade, a flame that will never go out; because they are the ones he died for, and they are the ones he made his own. It is difficult for them to change, but he is patient with them, understanding the life they came from, how sometimes it renews its grip over their minds. He teaches them tenderly, showing them how to love each other and be a family, how to become women and men of great character, how to remember what he did for them so they can pay it forward to others, even if it means suffering like he did. Together, they are his bride to be. For a while, they must remain separated, as he rules from the heavens, as they remain on the earth, searching for the remainder of their brothers and sisters, all who are willing to follow them into freedom. This separation causes the most painful, aching tension in all of history. He is waiting for them to be complete, to be ready with perfect beauty, so that he can return for them. And they are crying out day and night, “Come, Lord Jesus, come!” because his Spirit is with them, revealing his love to them, revealing his beauty and greatness to them, teaching them all about him, and they are lovesick for the one they are getting to know. They want to see him face to face. They want to thank in person the one who died for them. They long to be with him because it is where they belong, and they have a seal of engagement on their hearts. Still they remember, that they did not choose him, but he loved them first. And he will love them forever. And this love fills up their hearts until they are ready to burst, ready to spill it over into the lives of others, and to send it back to its source as they speak excited admiration over their lover. He is the lover of the unlovely. He is Jesus, the one and only.

He is a friend. There are different levels of depth at which people relate to one another. It is difficult and unique to find a friendship that causes souls to touch. Even with those who are the closest, in many ways they are still far away. They are living their own lives, evaluating things from their own perspective, occupied with their own agendas. There are some who make great effort to relate, to put themselves in another’s shoes, but there is only so far one can venture into a friend’s soul because of the barriers of individual consciousness. But then there’s him. He is the perfect friend. He likes us. He enjoys our company. He wants to hang out at every possible occasion. He fulfills our desire to be known, for he knows us fully. He fulfills our desire to share life with someone, for he lives within us and walks with us wherever we go. Being with him is the epitome of being comfortable with someone, for in his presence, there is no striving for his admiration or his understanding, there is no wondering what he is thinking, there is no hiding of your true nature. All things are known and displayed before his eyes; still there is nothing to fear because his love is not conditioned by these things, but it is constant and sure. The things he speaks are exactly what we need to hear, are always aimed at our own good, are always so wonderfully entertaining, for he is an intriguing individual. And we were made for this very purpose, to be with him, to live with him, to walk with him. And this is perfect friendship, when there is no need to speak, but it is enough simply to be together. And this is great friendship, when he laid down his life for us. He is like that soldier who dies to save his brothers in battle. Being his friend brings us to a new level of existence because really we are way lower than him on the spectrum, and it seems that we should be his servants. But he does not call us servants. He calls us friends. He lets us know what he’s up to. He fills us in on the top secret information about world events. He even lets us contribute to his plans, as we pray for great things and ask for good gifts, so that we are his partners in the kingdom of God. And he does not keep himself hidden, but he lets us know the mysteries of who he is, or at least as much as we can handle, always progressing us into deeper levels of friendship with him. And one day we will know him fully, just as he knows us fully already. He is the friend of people, the friend of sinners. He is Jesus, the one and only.